Sunday, February 20, 2011

If you ever wonder....

If you ever wonder how I came up with the name Parker's Panic for my blog name....Wonder no more.
Have you ever had one of those days where you just felt up tight about everything? Even if there was nothing particular that was wrong, but you just had this foreboding? Well I have a lot of days when I feel like that, and I have to fight down the panic that seems to be building to the bursting point. That would be where the nae took shape.
Often the source of my "panic" would be my ever so beautiful, ever so stubborn, ever so like me children. I know, that the parent "curse", you know the one, where you parents at one point or another, inadvertently says...."I hope you get one just like you"...That curse. Well even if my parents never really intended for it to work, it did. At least to an extent, it worked. At this point, I need to apologize once again for all the sleepless nights, heart ache and thoughtless concern and worry I put my parents through. Mom & Dad thanks for all the love and support you showed me even when you really should have smacked my upside the head. (I would have been brain damaged if you had smacked me that often ;) )
In my last post, I blogged about my Megan and the struggles of becoming an adult against her will.... Well, that story is still holding true, but there might be a bit of a light at the end of the growing up track... I will keep you posted on this as things progress.
This time, it is time to vent about my very teenage boy, whom is most of the time SO very good to his Mother, but has such a similar relationship with his Father, as his Father had with his Dad.
Today, Chet's relationship with his Dad, is a very good one! They, I can say, are pretty good friends. Chet can spend hours talking to, and with his Dad. It is in a way, a really fun thing to watch, as I came into the scene when things between Chet and his Dad were in the least 'strained".
Looking back now, the things I hear come out of Chet's mouth to Ford, and vis versa sound so much like some of the things I heard between Chet and his Dad a little bit when Chet and I first started dating (forever ago).
Ford, doesn't see the things he does that could use improvement, and think that all that he ever hears from his Dad is criticism.
I have heard this statement from both of my children now so frequently in the last month, I have made a conscience effort to find other ways to relay whatever message I might be trying to send. Not with much success I might add, but at least I am trying!
This week, was the first time in my life as a Mom, that I ever thought my son might take a swing at me. It was also the first time he challenged his Dad in a physical way. I am sure as things progress this might not be the last time, but as it went, I was excused from the room (roughly) by Chet and the door shut very forcefully, and listened for a little while as Chet did what he does best. He talked. He talked to and with Ford for a very long time. About everything! (Yes, shouting was involved, just not the whole time)About the kind of kid he had been, about the fighting he had done with his own Dad and looking back and seeing that his Dad was trying to help him become the man he is today, and how grateful he is now for the effort his Dad put into being Dad, and not a push over. I didn't hear all of the discussion as I had a bit of a tantrum for being thrown out of the room, and I went and took a shower instead.
Chet did tell me later though, that he felt like it had to be just between him and Ford, and he was probably right.
Things since have been better, not nearly as strained. I am sure there might come another day, when the line gets stretched to the breaking point, but when it does maybe we will all look back and remember the lesson we learned the last time.
I am truly grateful for my family, and hope we can work through all of life's lessons as they come. One at a time, and remember that none of us are perfect, but that we are all trying to get back to the place we were before, together! In one piece, and a family!
The example of good parents who did the best they knew how, and who like me, learned by trial and error, are all around me and I am truly blessed to be part of the families I am part of. On both mine and Chet's side! Thanks Parents, for the lessons both learned and taught! I love you all!

Sunday, February 13, 2011

To be Mother

I am wondering when the growing pains of adolescents and parents combined are suppose to start winding down?
My Megan will be 19 in just a couple of very short weeks. She thinks she is ready to fly from the nest and be on her own... I ,coming from the same place, at one time, that she is in now, can see how very hard it might just be that she will land. Still, there is a part of me that wants her to fly! Go... test yourself and the things you have, or at least think you have learned. If you succeed I will be here, cheering you on! The loudest and most proud fan! If you should happen to trip, and stumble, perhaps even fall. Need a steading hand, or even for me to carry you until your burden is once again manageable on your own...this too will I do! That is my job! That is why I am a Mother.
Why then, knowing that this flight, so to speak, is inevitable,and so necessary, is it SO incredibly difficult to just let the natural flow of things just take their course? Why is it that I want to stop her and groom her wing before she can take flight, to lessen the risk of inability to with stand possible and likely turbulence?
I know, in my heart and in my mind, that the only way she will learn this lesson, that is about to take place, is to experience it first hand and very personal! Why then am I so reluctant to let her fly? Oh how I wish I could stop every hurt before it is or was experienced. Stop every friendship from coming to a sudden and abrupt end, as they sometimes do. Due to no ones fault really, just life, and the winding courses that it takes each of us on, on our very own and very personal journey.
I have never been the kind of Mom to say, "my kid would never do anything like that". I think that is B.S.! Anyones kid could be that kid!
Truth be told, in some ways, looking back at what some call the "parents curse", I have been somewhat surprised, that my kids haven't been the ones out there insuring, that I got phone calls in the middle of the night, informing me of some sort of trouble they might have been in.
The Lord knew my needs, and the needs of my children ( Still wondering what ever made him send them to MY care??). I have been blessed with amazing children. Children who don't even know their own worth or full capabilities yet. Nor do I to be quite honest!
Perhaps, that is why I want, so desperately, to keep the pain, that I know is the best teacher, from them. I often think in my head, "Isn't there some other way???" Then I am reminded gently, of the Savior, and his magnificent sacrifice for us. There was another way, but it was not God's way!
I have made, and continue to make SO many of my own mistakes, how then can I keep my beautiful children from being able to do the same, and from learning the lessons that they were sent here to learn, for themselves? I can't! I won't! No matter how hard this is for me, I know it will be even harder at some point for them. That is, when they will know, that I am there for them! I have always been there for them! I will be here from them, as long as God is willing.
This is my calling as a Mother. I will do my best to exemplify it always!
Megan and Ford....I love you more than you could know at this time! I will help you in all of the ways, I feel, will be in your and my best interest! I pray that the Lord will be your guide, and mine, and you will know, you are NEVER truly alone! Your Mother!
P.S. Mom, We may not always see eye to eye, but I too know you have always had My best interest at heart. I love you and thank you for the good examples you set for me.
Sorry the emotional side of me took over tonight..... Let us all press on.....

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Made it...

Well, I made it through the first week of subbing for another manager. Was it fun? NO! Not in the slightest. Am I getting the hang of it? I certainly hope so!
Let me tell you this is one of the most stressful things I have ever undertaken! I am seriously wondering if it will be worth it in the long run.
I do know that I will probably tell them I don't want to sub for another manager again! Part of the thing that has been the hardest about going into the school that I am currently at, is that there was a woman in there for 4 weeks before I got there. She was just a manager in training like me, and let's just say that she was not the most organized person and she appeared to be the sort of person, that instead of saying "hey, I messed up", liked to pass the buck and blame it on the people who worked around her.
To let you know how the people (kids) at the school felt about her being gone... I had a group of kids approach me on the third day I was there, and ask me if she was going to be coming back to their school. When I told them no, that I would be there until the regular manager got back, they almost all shouted YAY!! Then one boy proceeded to tell me, that she was very mean and he thought that she had been sent there straight by "the Devil!" (he was a little black boy, can you hear the way he said this? Too cute)
Anyway, I don't know the woman personally, so I don't need to bash her. I will say that the day I met her, (so she could show me around the school before I got there to start work) she wasn't happy about not being able to stay there as the acting manager. She was politely rude, if there is such a thing?
Anyway, this week has been a very stressful week to say the least. There were several days when I was there much later than I was suppose to be there, and I donated at least 4 hours of time this week because I am not very good at figuring out the things that need to be done fast enough.
I am thinking that next week should be a better week, as what I got done this week was to cover most of the next up coming weeks.
WHEW! Are you as tired reading about this as I am from living it? I hope not....
It has given me a lot to think about, wondering if I am really willing to spend as much time at work as sometimes it is going to require of me to do. Not only that, It requires a LOT of sitting! I never really thought about how much I don't like to sit down! I am thinking about it now, because of how much time in one day I spent sitting at a desk doing computer work! I felt like Ford in the first grade, as I had to keep telling myself to sit on my pockets till I was finished. I am going to be doing a lot of pondering and praying about this over the next few weeks while I am there to determine if I think it is really what I want to do long term! Right now thinking about it, the only reason I am even thinking about it in the first place, is because it would be really nice to have the little bit of extra money that a manager gets paid. If, however,
they donate as much time as I did this week, then it is certainly not worth the money!
Hence the pondering and praying that I will be doing. I keep wondering if perhaps this is the reason I have, as of yet, not gotten one of the jobs I have applied for. Hummm???
At any rate it has been an interesting week if nothing else.
I look forward to a better week and hopefully smoother sailing for the remaining 2 or 3 weeks in which I will still be there. :)