This is personal....

I have been thinking a lot lately, about me. The kind of person that I am and the kind of person that I would really like to be.
I have decided that to become the person that I would like to be and be remembered as, should I leave this life, there are certain things that I need to change about the way I think and live my life!
So, getting a little bit personal, I have some things that I think I will be working on this year. Since I don't believe in new years resolutions, I am setting myself some personal daily goals. Things I can work on a daily basis so that I can know that each day I have something personal that I am working on or towards!

First, and foremost the goal that I have been working on daily now for 2 years, will continue. My health and fitness will continue! The only reason this is the first goal on the list, is because it is something I have been working on now for over two years and I need for it to be a focus that is for me! Something that makes me a happier person.
Second, I have reflected on the fact that, I am one of the most selfish people I know. A fact that I am not proud of! So this year, in an effort to become an overall better person, I will daily seek to think of at least one other person and their needs over myself, and will do, what I reasonably can, to make their lives in the very least, happier for the moment if not for the long term.
Third, Try to be a better house keeper! There are so many things around my house that need working on! Paint carpet, yard...ect! The list just seems to get longer every time I think about it. So, I will try to work on things a little at a time. Things that I know I can do. Like washing walls and patching holes...things that take time, but are not something tht will consume my life! I would like nothing more than to have everything done at once, but I know that I don't have the money or time to do it all at once. SO if I work on things a little at a time, one day at a time, I might just find that things will come together and look better and feel better for me!
These are some of my personal daily goals for this year. There are a lot more that I nkow that I need to work on, but as I complete some of these goals I will feel more confident about taking on more and bigger goals.
Wishing myself and all of those in my life luck and determination in this new year! My we feel good about the things we have accomplished by the end of it!
Happy New Year!

T'was...

'Twas Christmas day evening and all through the house nothing was stirring not even a mouse! There was wrappings and boxes strung all through the house, and the tape and the bows hanging loosely about.
The kids have been here, and the kids have been there, leaving nothing to wonder except, beware of where now?
I in my sweats and pop in his undies had just settled in and said hey... lets get comfy...
When what on the door to my room did I hear??? (knock, knock, knock )Hey, guys are you decent? ummm, no not right now....Just give us one minute and then we'll be out... but now my times over and I start to pout!
My sadness was over in less than a flash! My son and his girl friend came to tell me at last, that things had all fit and the gifts had been grand! Nothing left to do but to smile and be glad!
One more line to my poem, I feel I must add! My daughter and her fiancee also were glad!
Now this poem I did write to remind me next year, when every things quiet, it is no time for tears! The love that is present will always be so, trough time and trough distance not matter I know!
SO Merry Christmas to you and your love-ed ones too! May there always be memories to see us all through!
Lame and perhaps a bit corny I know, but I couldn't get it out of my head!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!! :)

Last of a kind...

So,this last few weeks it occurred to me that this Christmas, for us here at the Parker house is the last of it's kind more or less. This time next year, if everything goes according to what is in the plan right now, and according to what I am being told, Chet and I will be spending next Christmas by our selves.
Megan will be spending her first Christmas as a married couple, and Fords plan of the moment is to be going on a mission. If all of these things play out, which I see no reason for them to do anything otherwise, I think that Chet and I should start planning for a get away of some kind! Maybe....maybe not....

Shopping....

Any one who knows me, or who has spent any amount of time with me, knows, that I was NOT born to shop!
I am not the girls kind of girl, who could spend all day just wandering up and down isles of clothing and goods of any kind! I am more the guy type of shopper! I know what I need, I go in for said needed item, purchaser said needed item, and get out as fast as I can! Most of the time that is!
Today, would be one of those type days! Megan talked me into going wedding dress shopping for her?! Let me just say, that if she wanted this to be an enjoyable occasion for her, she really should have left me home!
First of all, her idea of a simple/beautiful dress, and mine, are obviously quite different!
I think of simple beauty as something pretty that won't make anyone uncomfortable! Which certainly would not encompass the dresses that she tried on and liked today!
I suppose that I should be glad that the dresses she is liking are cheaper than they could be, now that I have something to compare them to.
I honestly am not sure at all how all of this is suppose to work! At this point though, I am not at all excited about paying for a dress that makes me or her Dad uncomfortable, walking her down the isle! Wish I felt like I could tell her that without pissing her off. Still I told her I wouldn't pay for the dress that she is looking at. If that is the one she is set on, she will have to figure out a way to do it herself! :/
Have I said lately, I HATE SHOPPING?????? If not, well, now you know! I HATE it!!!!

Do you ever feel....

Do you ever just feel like you are falling apart? I try not to gripe and complain on this blog, but as it is a journal of sorts for me, I want to keep track of a few things for myself as well.

This week has reminded me that although my mind may still be in its twenties, my body has taken this time to represent, and let me know that it is NOT in its twenties anymore! Both of my elbows are giving me fits, and I have had a migraine now for going on 3 days! It comes and goes in it's intensity, but it hasn't gone away for this entire weekend! Not sure at all if that has anything to do with age, but it has made my body feel old and tired! I don't like it at all!

On the bright side, I did not throw up, and I did finally get some sleep last night. I do have a Dr apt tomorrow for my elbow, and if the headache still persists I will for sure be asking about it! I am hoping above all hope though, that it will be gone by morning! I have no idea how I will be able to work, if it isn't!

So, here is to sleeping and hoping the pain is gone in the AM!

Accomplished

Well, I did it!!! I really did it! I finally accomplished the goal I set for myself at the beginning of this year! I finally ran my first race!

Thanks to JoAnn (my lovely friend) for asking me to run the race with her! It was an experience I won't forget. I am not much into Santa, so dressing up like one was the part I disliked most. Oh, and the pain associated with running, after the race was over. I will be doing it again though. At some point that is :) It really was a blast! There were 4 people that I knew that I started the race with. JoAnn, Richard, me and Brad. Brad was a last minute...Oh, I think I should go run this race....even though he had never done any running before, he kept up with me through the whole race, and even held my hand up in the air as we crossed the finish line together! It has certainly made me want to work harder, and set some different goals for myself. What a great way to bring up the end of the year! Accomplishing a personal goal, while hanging out with great people! Thanks guys for running with me and inspiring me to work harder!

What a nice.......

What a NICE day!!!! Although it was more cold than I would like for it to be, it turned out to be such a nice day!!!! We stayed up way later than we should have, which lead to us sleeping way later in the day than either of us had planned. By the time we got ready for the day, it had almost left us behind! Note to self...DON'T do that again! You feel worthless and lazy, just go to bed like a normal person and start the new day fresh...

Anyway, we had been invited to my Mom's place to have dinner with my Mom and Dad. They really are giving it a full out effort to work things out. I hope they really can make it work. Any way, got to spend the evening with them and my sister Mindy, Megan and her fiance Justin. I ended up such a nice evening! Thanks everyone, mostly Chet for going with me, any place I ask!

Aahhh....

What a good day! So much better than yesterday! Thanks Chet for making me feel so loved, and allowing me to spend my unplanned day off with you, and wanting me there with you! :D

Holy freaking WIND!

So today I must say that I am totally grateful for not being blown away or destroyed by the wind! I can honestly say I haven't seen wind this bad for a long long time! The wind was so bad today, that they had to shut down some of the schools and Davis county is completely shut down tomorrow due to some of the destruction. It was crazy! 60 year old trees up rooted and toppled over like dominoes. Roof ripped off houses and buildings, trucks blown over.....the list goes on and on.

Out of all the elements, wind is by far my least favorite! Today just made that even more solid!

November 30

So today, I am being thankful for a couple of things that I have already been thankful for. Mostly just for myself trying to remind me that things always happen for a reason and I really do have it pretty good.

Just for context purposes, I applied for and did not get a new and different job with the school district. This is the 4th time I have applied, and the 4th time I have not gotten the job. I keep telling myself that there are a lot of people applying for the same thing, and not to take it personal, but this long in and this many times later, it gets harder and harder to remember that.

So as a personal reminder to me (hence personal), I am so grateful for Chet, and the fact that he loves me even on the days when I have melt downs (which is more often that I would like) and that he will let me vent and then be the voice of reason, bringing me back to reality.

I am grateful for the job I currently have. I love working with the kids. I work with some good people, and I love that I get the summers off (even though I do not get paid for it).

As this is also the end of the month and the last of thankful November I am thankful for being thankful. I really do have a lot to be grateful for. So much more than I posted this month. I will try to continue, but I make no promises!

November 27

I know, I know....I missed a couple of days! Since it was more than just one I decided to skip those (too much pressure to remember everything that happened) and just highlight a couple of things from the last three days. Starting with Thanksgiving day.

Thanksgiving day, I was grateful for not having to cook and or host Thanksgiving dinner! We went to Chets Mom and Dads for dinner. 4 of the seven boys were there and although I expected things to be a bit tense, it actually ended up being quite fun!

Then Friday, I have to say I was grateful for having a mostly lazy day. We slept in till late and didn't do a whole lot of much for most of the day. It was very nice!

Saturday I was so grateful for being able to finally achieve one of the goals that I had set out for myself at the beginning of this year. To run a 5K! Thanks to my very good friend JoAnn, who talked me into signing up and doing it with her, I signed up for and ran the Santa Run in Ogden. We ended up having another one of our friends, Brad come and run it with us as well. In fact, Brad and I crossed the finish line together hand in hand! It was an incredible feeling of accomplishment! AND it was a blast! I think we will all be doing it again!

Today, I am grateful for beautiful weather on a day that might have been otherwise! Today was simply put, one of the most beautiful days! Great picture taking weather! :) There you have it! Three more days of grateful to write about...Think I'll make it??

Yaaa....I got this! :)

November 23

This day, or this night to be very exact, I am grateful that I will not be having to cook Thanksgiving dinner!

I had planned on it. Kind of even looked forward to it in a small way, but things changed and now we will be going to Chets moms for dinner.

Am I excited about this venture? No. Do I wish I could take a pain pill before I go? YES! That would not be the best of ideas though, as I already have a hard time keeping my opinion to myself, without the aid of a pill that might relax my brain enough for something I should keep to myself to slip out without meaning for it to.

I am however, grateful that I will not have to cook! :)

November 22

So this day, I am grateful for the fact that we are a family the for the most part lives life by the seat of our pants! Truly it could be said that we are not very good planners at all, but that is mainly because of Chets work and the unpredictability of it all. Chet really hates to make plans because he hates being the one to mess them up by not being on time or not being able to go at all.

Today though, there were no plans broken or postponed. No appointments missed. Nothing gone awry.

No today was a fly by the seat kind of day that I look forward to! Getting the call, "can you be ready and packed by the time I can get from point A to point B?

Oh the excitement for me. :) I know it is not nearly as much fun for Chet, due to the fact that it is work related, but for me, it sends a thrill through my mind.

So here I am sitting in Chet's van on my way to Jackson Hole, Wy. I know it's late, but I don't care! I am off on another adventure with Chet! My very most favorite place in the world to be!

November 21

This day I am grateful for my job, and that I the end of the day, I can shut the door to it on my way out and, for the most part, not think of it again until morning! I really do have it good! I work with kids (most of the time this is good) and good ladies (some of them are even GREAT). I get the summers off (even if I don't get paid for it, it is TOTALLY worth it!) and I am off work by 2:30 everyday. Oh, and I get most of the same holiday's as the banks do :) and some they don't! Ha!I have the best job!

November 20th

Today I am grateful that my kids still like to talk to me! Even though I am not at all sure what to tell them and even get impatient while listening to them ramble on about things that I am not particularly interested in.

I am glad that they know that if they have a problem they can call me and just vent if that is all they need.

I hope that they will always want to talk with me! :)

November 19th

Grateful for modern medicine and the miracles that can be preformed today! Oh, and the pain meds that go with it to ease our discomfort! :)

Just so you all know, I had some grafting done in my mouth Friday and I am glad they could fix things but I think I am more glad for the pain meds to help me relax a bit!

November 18th

Grateful for weekends! :)

November 17

Today I am glad I can move my body! Even on days like today when moving it hurts and reminds me that time stands still for no one. I am reminded that even though I may hurt, I can still move and feel!

November 16

Ooops...missed this one! :/ Oh well...carry on.

November 15

Today is such a simple thing to be thankful for, yet at the very same time, something I/we as Americans take so very for granted!

Today, I am grateful for eating out! Or if you will a dinner prepared by someone other than myself!

take for instance, The take out order for the local Chinese food place, for example. Yummy yet fairly inexpensive and they even deliver!!!

Today, however; I must be a tad more specific than this! Today, I am truly grateful for Beto's/Rancherito's! They keep me and Chet from starving more than twice a week! I the very least! I love being from Utah!!!

November 14

This day I am thankful for randomly bumping into people. People that you see once in a while, people that you see almost everyday in places you don't always see them, and people that you never see, and then suddenly out of nowhere, there they are. Now, in the middle of the isle at Wal-mart you stand for an hour having a conversation and catching up but feeling like it hasn't been that long ago that you knew each other well! The feeling of connection and fondness that you have after leaving said random encounter is irriplaceable!
That is what I am grateful for this day!

November 13

Today I am grateful for music and the blessing of being able to hear it.

We went to the Symphony tonight at Weber State University. They performed Beethoven's 9th Symphony. His last symphony, which I found out he wrote and conducted after he had gone completely deaf! An amazing feat to say the least! Such beautiful music! I was so glad that I could hear it. I love music! It plays a huge part in my daily life. I can not imagine not being able to hear it! Thank you Christina Hight Olsen for inviting us to listen to you play! :)

November 12

I know I am posting this a day late but I just can't NOT post about it.

This is the first time ever, I planned a surprise birthday party. It just happened to be for Chet!

So today, and everyday, I am thankful for friends who will take time out of their busy lives to make sure that someone they care about knows that they mean something to them, more than just a passing hello!

We ended up have 20 people that showed up and stayed for dinner and cake with us and a few stragglers that came to say Happy Birthday and left because they weren't able to stay. A great turn out for a great guy! Not to mention lots of fun!

So grateful for good friends!!!

November 11

Today, about an hour before I got off work, I got a phone call. It was Chet asking me what I had planned for the afternoon after work. I told him I had nothing planned, and what did he have in mind? He said that since I didn't have anything, he was going to come home and get me and I could go with him for the afternoon, while he finished up his work.

Today, I am happy that after all this time and all the time we spend together in that van together, he hasn't gotten tired of me and still wants to come pick me up when I get off work, just to have me ride with him. THAT makes me happy! :)

November 10

Tonight I am grateful for a safe journey for my Chet, and the safe return that the journey has brought yet again this go round!

I have been blessed to have had the opportunity, throughout the past several years, to get to ride whit him on some of his travels, thus lending credence to the fact that sometimes the journey might not always be a peaceful one.

We have been truly blessed in the fact that, aside from a deer, a cow and an unfortunate freeway rear end event, there really hasn't been any real problems since Chet hit the road 7 years ago!

The Lord has been watching out for Chet, and me! :)

Glad you are home safe tonight Babe!!

November 8

Going to keep it super simple tonight, because tonight life was simple!

Tonight I am grateful for a delicious home cooked meal! Nothing fancy or expensive, just something simple made from scratch, that filled the belly yet pleased both sense of smell and taste! Not to mention the sense of accomplishment at the success of a meal well done! Nothing better than homemade stew and rolls. :)

November 8

So I missed a day...(head bowed in slight shame) The good thing is it really isn't the end of the world, but bad thing is it makes me feel like a slacker! Oh well, moving right along now...

Today I am grateful for being able to have mini or sometimes even full blown melt downs from time to time. Whether there is a good reason for them or not, sometimes I think it is just a good cleansing for the soul, and sometimes for the mind. I seem to have melt downs probably more often than is normal, and to this can I just say, it makes me more grateful than ever to know that Chet stays with me and not only deals with said melt downs, but helps make sure I get through the melt downs in one piece.

November 6 Feeling....

I had something all typed out...then some other thought came flying into my mind fro WHO knows where and totally derailed said thought! So the thought that gets pasted on today is that I am grateful for individual thoughts and the places that they take us to.

My we all be the best we can be in the here and now and even better tomorrow is the prayer I have for me and anyone else I come into contact with!

May feelings carry us far beyond where we might be currently!

November 5

Today, I am completely grateful for days that just are! By that, I mean, days that nothing stressful is expected and nothing too taxing has to be done. The day can just flow as it likes. Things coming into being or not...time passing with a certain amount of peacfulness because there was nothing that was really expected out of the day in the first place. Just a pleasant comfortable flow! That is what I had today with my Chet! I am truly grateful for the rare days like these in which I get to participate! :)

November 4

I am grateful that I have a job. One that for the most part I really enjoy!

November 3

Today, I am grateful for food! Perhaps more specifically, food that comes from my garden! Ok, ok, really all food, but this particular thought popped into my head tonight while we were eating dinner. Dinner made complete with spaghetti squash from my garden and salsa canned from produce out of my garden. Not only was it yummy, but very self satisfying to know that I did that! So after I was fed, and sat enjoying my full tummy, is when the thought came to me that I am grateful for food.

November 2

Today, I am grateful for being, or in the least feeling, calm! It is not something, that I can say, I am very often. In fact, I can say that I wasn't calm, earlier this very evening! Why now do I have the comfortable feeling of calm? I can't say for sure. Maybe it is that my family is all home safe and sound, I have been fed and given dessert, and have nothing pressing that HAS to be done right this very minute. Maybe, but then again, maybe not!

I can honestly say I don't care where it came from, nor do I care! I hope it will stay a long time, but will enjoy it, however long it lasts!

In fact I am so calm right now I think I will go to bed! ;)

November...

Well, it got here faster than I remember. I can honestly say I am not READY for it to be November yet!

It will be good though to take a mental and a public note of all of the things I am grateful for.

The last time I tried to write a big long post everyday, it just about killed me, so I was thinking I am going to keep it short and to the point. Then if I feel so inclined to go a little more in-depth then so be it. Today though I am really not in the mood to be in-depth.

So...lets start this off with what I am probably most grateful for 98% of the time. That would be Chet! So grateful we are here together after all this time and through all the junk we've been through! So grateful for Chet!! I love you Babe!!! :) The end!

IF I thought.....

Wow!! If I thought that my last post had me thinking...that is really nothing compared to what I have been doing the last two weeks!

It is official! My daughter has become engaged! Oh, happy day right??? Well...maybe...maybe not.

At this point in time, I am, by no means, a good judge of someone else's feelings for another person! I mean, really...sometimes I look at people that are together and I wonder if they are really happy with each other???? ARE they??? I can look at me and Chet, and see how happy we are, and see all the things we have been through that have made us stronger as a couple, but when I look at someone else, from the outside...I have a hard time seeing them make it through the choice of what to have for dinner. Or better yet...WHO is going to do the dinner dishes!

Maybe not life altering thoughts, or choices, but ones that effect the way we live with each other, day to day, for certain! Some days with out even meaning to, one can take the smallest, most innocent, action or thought, mentioned out loud, the complete and totally opposite way in which it was intended!

After 23 years of married...life... I can honestly say that there are still days when I find myself flying off the handle for no real reason! These are the days that I think Chet is a saint!!!

ANYWAY!!! To get right to the point I am not at all sure these "kids" are ready at all to get married! Then again...I was a year younger when I married and look at me now! Better and stronger than most people thought possible! SO, maybe this is a good thing?

Really, only time can really tell. Whatever happens, I will be here for my girl, doing the very best I can to help her figure things out as we move through this thing called "life".

Let's dance!!!

Well, I feel like I am at some sort of cross roads in my life! No, really, I am so torn on how I should feel, and what I should say and do as a Mother, that there is real conflict both in my outward behavior, and everything I am feeling on the inside!

It's official! My daughter, has come home with a ring on her finger! Yep, that's right she is engaged to be married! Such an exciting time of life! Both for daughter, and Mother! I am still trying, in my mind, to figure out why it is an exciting time for the Mother, but oddly enough, it truly does seem to be.

It was announced to us at 3 am Saturday morning, that the question had indeed been "popped"

I wish sometimes I could see back in time, into my own Mothers mind, and see exactly what it was that she was thinking when I told her I would be getting married!

I am sure that I was totally NOT ready to get married, yet???, here we are, 23 years later...looking back, on both good, bad, exceptionally good and exceptionally bad times throughout the years, I can see the reason for concern, that my parents might have had.

Yet, at the same time, I can see how much I have grown into myself, at being given the opportunity, to go out into the world and find out who I truly was, and find a way to grow into the person that I am today! Am I the same person that I started out as??? Thank goodness NO! Have I learned a LOT??? Oh, HELL YES!!! Is that the way that it is suppose to be?? I think so. NO one can learn anything, without being give the chance and opportunity to do so!

I am at an all new place for me! An all new learning curve is about to be implemented, and I am so hoping all the hard work I have put in over the last years, have served to teach me the ability to dance, with grace, and learn the dance moves quickly!

I will NEVER be a ballerina, but I sure hope that I will have fun learning the "steps" to the dance!! Loves to all!

Trapped...

The time of year that usually makes me feel trapped and needing to make an escape, is usually in the spring time. After a long, cold winter! (they are ALL long to me when they are cold. Which around here they all are!)

For some reason, this year, this fall, which is usually my favorite time of year, has me feeling the need to escape to some place unknown, but also feeling trapped without the ability to make said escape.

I'm not sure if it is because of the time of year that is fast approaching and the thoughts which it stirs in my head, the fact that my son is in his final year of school and seems to be pissing it away, the fact that my daughter seems to think that life as a family member is too demanding on her and her personal needs, and either treats everyone around like crap, or tells me she will move out if that is what I want!

Then again it could be the issues that my parents have been having for the last month and a half. The fact that my belief in happy ever after has been severely shaken. Not that I haven't had my own reasons for said shaking, but then to add this on top of it all, was just one more thing almost too much!

I know that we are all given experiences in this life time to help shape and mold us into the person that the Lord knows we are, but sometimes it feels like the pressures that are molding us might just be the pressures that crush us to bits!

Then some thing will happen in the comings and going of the people who are in our lives personally, or maybe even just those whom we might know through someone else, that reminds us that even though the pressure seems almost too much to bear, there is someone else who's pressure I am certain is turning them at this very moment in time, into a diamond of infinite worth!

I would certainly like to be considered a fine gem, but I am also certain I am in no way ready for the pressures that would turn me into the diamond of infinite worth!!

I am so completely grateful today for the challenges that God has given me in this life to shape and mold me, I sincerely hope that I will someday be in the very least a gem, and that in the making I might be a good example to those whom I am not aware are even watching me.

I also hope that with time I will be able to bear the challenges that are mine with the grace, that I am sure the Lord wishes often, would show through on the surface not just the seedling still waiting to poke through. I also can see, when I take more than just a second, to examine the problems that might seem insurmountable at any given moment, really aren't as big as they seem at first glance. Now, if I can just keep reminding myself of these things, I will be in better shape tomorrow than I was today!

As long as I continue to improve myself and not become stagnate, I am bound to get better right?

I never knew...

This is a completely reflective blog post...ok maybe not completely but still....

This last 2 weeks has been ubber hard on me as a Mother. I have had to relinquish my hold on my oldest. My daughter, my oldest, Megan, is now 19 and well on her way to flying the coop! She and a friend decided that they were going on their first real road trip. The only real problem I had with said road trip (aside from everything) is the fact that I would be gone when they left. Not being able to say good bye in person and give hugs of self reassurance and love. You know...the typical Mom first trip away from home stuff.

Couple that with the fact that I also had to register my youngest, (that's right, my BABY) for his last year of high school, all in the SAME week, was almost too much for this Mom!

I knew that having my kids get to the point that they didn't need me would be some what of a challenge, but I had NO idea how much it would really sting!

I am the type of Mom that has typically celebrated every new mile stone that our kids have some to and "over come" so to speak. I didn't cry why my oldest went into Kindergarten, and I didn't cry when I registered either of them for Junior high school OR high school! However, the year I registered my oldest for her senior and my youngest for his sophomore years of high school that is struck me that this was for real and they would only be home for a short time more!

It has only been more reinforced this last week and a half. Not to mention all of my friends that seem to be in the ever so present same boat!

You know the statement "Time flies when you are having fun!" ? Well, there has never been a truer statement than that in my house! I have been blessed to have a great assortment of "fun" over the years! Never a dull moment as they say.

Then to top it all off, this last week, a friend of Chet's has reminded me,that no matter how bad things might get, bad is SO much better than NOT at all!!! Her son has just recently overdosed after a very long/tormented life. She is now trying to pick up the pieces of a shattered life lost much too early.

I have spent way too much time thinking about all the things that my kids do that make me crazy, and that they have been taught differently. Instead of seeing all the things that they do that are truly amazing! Such as living in this modern world without sex, drugs ect...

No, my kids are not perfect! Far from it in fact, but as I told Chet yesterday, I will take the clothes laying on the floor and the dirty room as a reminder that they are there as opposed to the empty silence of knowing they will never laugh or make me/you laugh again!!! Also, so grateful for knowing that life continues beyond the here and the now! Thankful for a merciful Heavenly Father how knew how weak we could and would be!

Missing Spring...

I think until this year I have taken Spring time for granted. I do not ever remember the cold and wet hanging around as long and as persistently as it has this year.

I think it is taking every ounce of energy I have to fight off the blahs! I am tired way more than I should be. I am still exercising, but I have to fight with myself to even get that done!

I know that I am not the only one either! Just take a peak at some of the faces as they walk past you n the store! The worn down, "don't even think about talking to me or I will bite your head off" look that so many are wearing as the semi permanent facial expression these days tells a story all it's own!

I have mumbled and grumbled, a little more about it than I should, but now it is getting to be a real problem! How on earth do you fight the bad weather blahs? I need to know, or either me or one of my close family members might not survive this missing of the spring!

I haven't even been able to get the garden tilled and ready to plant. Not that that is a bad thing, I suppose, because if I had and had planted anything, it would have died due to the amount of water we have had. I know a few people who are in that situation right now. Not happy about it either.

I did go out on my mountain yesterday and take some pictures of the flowers that are finally starting to bloom. It looks so pretty out there right now! Now if only it would warm up enough so that I could be out there to get to enjoy it up close!

Ok I have mumbled and grumbled enough! It does seem to help a bit to gripe about it. Now I guess all I can do is wait! (oh, and post a couple of pics to maybe brighten things up a bit.)

Before...

You know, I had a thought cross my mind very recently. I have often been asked, or thought..(thanks Dad) What would you remember most or miss most if I died....

Today, as morbid as it seems or sounds, I had a strange thought cross my mind. I don't want to know what people will think of when I am gone, when they hear my name. I want to know what they think of NOW what they think of when they hear my name.

Honestly, When someone dies, it is a sad time and things can trigger memories, but if you think you might see that someone in the near future, you might not feel the same, and to my way of thinking, We should almost feel more stirred to act and let someone know now, TODAY that they crossed your mind!

Not one of us knows when our time to leave this Earth will come up. There is never a guarantee that any of us will ever see a tomorrow.

I for one, would like more than anything, to know that I crossed someones mind today. I have from time to time in my life had someone say..."Hey, I thought of you the other day....", but it is so rare and almost unheard of, that I wonder if anyone does anymore....

I am not pointing fingers at ANYONE... I know that life is busy for everyone. Still wouldn't it be nice to know in this life, before we pass on to another, that someone thought of us from time to time and cared that we were here, in the here and now!!!.

I think I am going to make this my own personal challenge to self. When someone crosses my mind in a day, to make a conscience effort to in the very least send a text or facebook message, if not make a phone call or leave a personal note.

I already try, to a degree to let people know they mean something to me. Ever to a stranger that I think has pretty eyes or a pretty face. I have always tried to pay a simple compliment, because it happens so rarely that when it does happen it might just be the something that makes that persons day. Even if they don't know that it was you that did it.

For example, one day I went to the Layton mall with Megan. I left the windows of the car down a crack to keep the car from being a sauna when we came out, never giving it a second thought.

When we came back out to the car, someone had slipped a homemade note penned in Crayon telling me I was special and they hoped I had a great day. To this day I have no idea who put the note in my car. I do know that it had a profound affect on my mood for the remainder of that day!. I kept the card and it hangs on a china hutch in my kitchen, and when I slow down enough to really focus on the note, it again make a smile cross my face. Such a simple act of kindness, and perhaps from a total stranger. That is my goal to self. Make sure to those around me that I see them today. In the here and now. Not waiting till all I can do is miss them and reflect on memories.

Thanks for letting me rant! This is after all my journal of sorts :)

An adventure in everyday....

Well, just a little update on the goings on in my little family. Chet is doing Air machines still and hoping the guy who has been helping him since his shoulder surgery won't need to be here for too much longer. Still he has been glad for the help.

I took some more manager training at the end of January and have been playing the part of the gypsy manager almost every week since I got done with the training. I went to one school for three weeks, up to another school for one week and then back to my own school for a week and then back to the other school for a day. This week I will be at yet another different elementary school. Although this week it is a short week so it will only be for 4 days.

I am hoping that with all this extra practice, it will make it easier next time I apply to actually get a managers position. There are a lot of people who want the jobs and not as many jobs as people. I have heard though, from some people that I have been doing a good job and the prospect is looking favorable :) So I will keep doing what I have been doing and keep working my best and hope it gets me where I am trying to get to.

Megan has finally found another job. She got hired on at Walmart. She is going to try to keep both Subway and Walmart, at least for the time being and get some things paid off. It will be good for her to both be working and busy, and to have some money! It sucks to be working just to pay the bills and never have any for anything else! Trust me I know this one all too well, hence the reason I have been trying to get a managers job :)

She is also dating. She went out a few times with a guy she met at a farewell, but he truly wasn't her type. She gave it a fair shake and then decided it wasn't going to go any further and stopped dating him. Then she met the guy she is seeing now. His name is Justin, and he is a very nice guy. He is very nice to Megan! That means a lot to me. Not only is he nice, he is not afraid to come in and have conversations with Chet and I. Another big score for him. I dates a guy once that was so afraid of my Dad that he wouldn't stay in the same room with him unless I was there. I decided then and there if you were too afraid of my parents to even talk to them, you weren't the guy for me. I didn't date him much longer, and then I met Chet :) and here we are. Anyway, that has always stuck in my mind, and I think a lot more of the guys that can come in and communicate with the parents rather than just sit and never say a word. Who's to say? This may go no where, but then again, it may go some place new.... Either way, I am excited for Megan as she is entering this new phase of her life.

Ford is still working at Arctic Circle and going to school. He just last week handed in his outline for his schedule for next year for his Senior year.... It seems like it has taken forever to get here, but at the same time, it has gone by so fast I am left with the feeling that my head has just spun around a few times and I am slightly dizzy. Ford says he is planning on serving a mission but right now our biggest goal is just to get him through school and get him graduated! He has some really good friends and has been able to stay out of trouble for the most part, for which I am truly grateful!

Life is good and with every new day it is presenting Us and especially Me new adventures!

If you ever wonder....

If you ever wonder how I came up with the name Parker's Panic for my blog name....Wonder no more.

Have you ever had one of those days where you just felt up tight about everything? Even if there was nothing particular that was wrong, but you just had this foreboding? Well I have a lot of days when I feel like that, and I have to fight down the panic that seems to be building to the bursting point. That would be where the nae took shape.

Often the source of my "panic" would be my ever so beautiful, ever so stubborn, ever so like me children. I know, that the parent "curse", you know the one, where you parents at one point or another, inadvertently says...."I hope you get one just like you"...That curse. Well even if my parents never really intended for it to work, it did. At least to an extent, it worked. At this point, I need to apologize once again for all the sleepless nights, heart ache and thoughtless concern and worry I put my parents through. Mom & Dad thanks for all the love and support you showed me even when you really should have smacked my upside the head. (I would have been brain damaged if you had smacked me that often ;) )

In my last post, I blogged about my Megan and the struggles of becoming an adult against her will.... Well, that story is still holding true, but there might be a bit of a light at the end of the growing up track... I will keep you posted on this as things progress.

This time, it is time to vent about my very teenage boy, whom is most of the time SO very good to his Mother, but has such a similar relationship with his Father, as his Father had with his Dad.

Today, Chet's relationship with his Dad, is a very good one! They, I can say, are pretty good friends. Chet can spend hours talking to, and with his Dad. It is in a way, a really fun thing to watch, as I came into the scene when things between Chet and his Dad were in the least 'strained".

Looking back now, the things I hear come out of Chet's mouth to Ford, and vis versa sound so much like some of the things I heard between Chet and his Dad a little bit when Chet and I first started dating (forever ago).

Ford, doesn't see the things he does that could use improvement, and think that all that he ever hears from his Dad is criticism.

I have heard this statement from both of my children now so frequently in the last month, I have made a conscience effort to find other ways to relay whatever message I might be trying to send. Not with much success I might add, but at least I am trying!

This week, was the first time in my life as a Mom, that I ever thought my son might take a swing at me. It was also the first time he challenged his Dad in a physical way. I am sure as things progress this might not be the last time, but as it went, I was excused from the room (roughly) by Chet and the door shut very forcefully, and listened for a little while as Chet did what he does best. He talked. He talked to and with Ford for a very long time. About everything! (Yes, shouting was involved, just not the whole time)About the kind of kid he had been, about the fighting he had done with his own Dad and looking back and seeing that his Dad was trying to help him become the man he is today, and how grateful he is now for the effort his Dad put into being Dad, and not a push over. I didn't hear all of the discussion as I had a bit of a tantrum for being thrown out of the room, and I went and took a shower instead.

Chet did tell me later though, that he felt like it had to be just between him and Ford, and he was probably right.

Things since have been better, not nearly as strained. I am sure there might come another day, when the line gets stretched to the breaking point, but when it does maybe we will all look back and remember the lesson we learned the last time.

I am truly grateful for my family, and hope we can work through all of life's lessons as they come. One at a time, and remember that none of us are perfect, but that we are all trying to get back to the place we were before, together! In one piece, and a family!

The example of good parents who did the best they knew how, and who like me, learned by trial and error, are all around me and I am truly blessed to be part of the families I am part of. On both mine and Chet's side! Thanks Parents, for the lessons both learned and taught! I love you all!

To be Mother

I am wondering when the growing pains of adolescents and parents combined are suppose to start winding down?

My Megan will be 19 in just a couple of very short weeks. She thinks she is ready to fly from the nest and be on her own... I ,coming from the same place, at one time, that she is in now, can see how very hard it might just be that she will land. Still, there is a part of me that wants her to fly! Go... test yourself and the things you have, or at least think you have learned. If you succeed I will be here, cheering you on! The loudest and most proud fan! If you should happen to trip, and stumble, perhaps even fall. Need a steading hand, or even for me to carry you until your burden is once again manageable on your own...this too will I do! That is my job! That is why I am a Mother.

Why then, knowing that this flight, so to speak, is inevitable,and so necessary, is it SO incredibly difficult to just let the natural flow of things just take their course? Why is it that I want to stop her and groom her wing before she can take flight, to lessen the risk of inability to with stand possible and likely turbulence?

I know, in my heart and in my mind, that the only way she will learn this lesson, that is about to take place, is to experience it first hand and very personal! Why then am I so reluctant to let her fly? Oh how I wish I could stop every hurt before it is or was experienced. Stop every friendship from coming to a sudden and abrupt end, as they sometimes do. Due to no ones fault really, just life, and the winding courses that it takes each of us on, on our very own and very personal journey.

I have never been the kind of Mom to say, "my kid would never do anything like that". I think that is B.S.! Anyones kid could be that kid!

Truth be told, in some ways, looking back at what some call the "parents curse", I have been somewhat surprised, that my kids haven't been the ones out there insuring, that I got phone calls in the middle of the night, informing me of some sort of trouble they might have been in.

The Lord knew my needs, and the needs of my children ( Still wondering what ever made him send them to MY care??). I have been blessed with amazing children. Children who don't even know their own worth or full capabilities yet. Nor do I to be quite honest!

Perhaps, that is why I want, so desperately, to keep the pain, that I know is the best teacher, from them. I often think in my head, "Isn't there some other way???" Then I am reminded gently, of the Savior, and his magnificent sacrifice for us. There was another way, but it was not God's way!

I have made, and continue to make SO many of my own mistakes, how then can I keep my beautiful children from being able to do the same, and from learning the lessons that they were sent here to learn, for themselves? I can't! I won't! No matter how hard this is for me, I know it will be even harder at some point for them. That is, when they will know, that I am there for them! I have always been there for them! I will be here from them, as long as God is willing.

This is my calling as a Mother. I will do my best to exemplify it always!

Megan and Ford....I love you more than you could know at this time! I will help you in all of the ways, I feel, will be in your and my best interest! I pray that the Lord will be your guide, and mine, and you will know, you are NEVER truly alone! Your Mother!

P.S. Mom, We may not always see eye to eye, but I too know you have always had My best interest at heart. I love you and thank you for the good examples you set for me.

Sorry the emotional side of me took over tonight..... Let us all press on.....

Made it...

Well, I made it through the first week of subbing for another manager. Was it fun? NO! Not in the slightest. Am I getting the hang of it? I certainly hope so!

Let me tell you this is one of the most stressful things I have ever undertaken! I am seriously wondering if it will be worth it in the long run.

I do know that I will probably tell them I don't want to sub for another manager again! Part of the thing that has been the hardest about going into the school that I am currently at, is that there was a woman in there for 4 weeks before I got there. She was just a manager in training like me, and let's just say that she was not the most organized person and she appeared to be the sort of person, that instead of saying "hey, I messed up", liked to pass the buck and blame it on the people who worked around her.

To let you know how the people (kids) at the school felt about her being gone... I had a group of kids approach me on the third day I was there, and ask me if she was going to be coming back to their school. When I told them no, that I would be there until the regular manager got back, they almost all shouted YAY!! Then one boy proceeded to tell me, that she was very mean and he thought that she had been sent there straight by "the Devil!" (he was a little black boy, can you hear the way he said this? Too cute)

Anyway, I don't know the woman personally, so I don't need to bash her. I will say that the day I met her, (so she could show me around the school before I got there to start work) she wasn't happy about not being able to stay there as the acting manager. She was politely rude, if there is such a thing?

Anyway, this week has been a very stressful week to say the least. There were several days when I was there much later than I was suppose to be there, and I donated at least 4 hours of time this week because I am not very good at figuring out the things that need to be done fast enough.

I am thinking that next week should be a better week, as what I got done this week was to cover most of the next up coming weeks.

WHEW! Are you as tired reading about this as I am from living it? I hope not....

It has given me a lot to think about, wondering if I am really willing to spend as much time at work as sometimes it is going to require of me to do. Not only that, It requires a LOT of sitting! I never really thought about how much I don't like to sit down! I am thinking about it now, because of how much time in one day I spent sitting at a desk doing computer work! I felt like Ford in the first grade, as I had to keep telling myself to sit on my pockets till I was finished. I am going to be doing a lot of pondering and praying about this over the next few weeks while I am there to determine if I think it is really what I want to do long term! Right now thinking about it, the only reason I am even thinking about it in the first place, is because it would be really nice to have the little bit of extra money that a manager gets paid. If, however,

they donate as much time as I did this week, then it is certainly not worth the money!

Hence the pondering and praying that I will be doing. I keep wondering if perhaps this is the reason I have, as of yet, not gotten one of the jobs I have applied for. Hummm???

At any rate it has been an interesting week if nothing else.

I look forward to a better week and hopefully smoother sailing for the remaining 2 or 3 weeks in which I will still be there. :)

Hummm...

Well, I finished my refresher manager training on Friday. I also had a job interview that very same day at 3 pm. I felt ok about the interview. As ok as one can feel when surrounded by all of the other people who were also applying for the very same job. At all of the other times I have ever applied there had been maybe one other person there. This time there were at least 6 or 7 other people there. All applying for one of two positions. Needless to say I did NOT get the job. However on a possibly positive note, I do get to start subing for managers who take more than just a few days off. Such as this next three weeks I will be filling in for another manager that will be filling in for a manager that will be filling in for another manager that is off for having knee surgery...Confused? So am I...sort of...

At any rate, I will be getting more hours than I would have otherwise. That is the good news. The bad news is that if I mess up it will be on someone else's head and I may never get a job after this.

It will be a good experience and will give me the opportunity to show then that I really do know what I am doing, and that I am capable of taking care of my own kitchen in a full time basis.

Learning is always a great opportunity! I hope I can learn much from this experience. I am grateful for the chance.

Learning...

There really is nothing new and exciting in my life, however; I did start taking the manager training, once again, just this week in hopes of being able to better help Chet financially care for our family.

I can say though that the early mornings and the below freezing temps have really made me question if this job is really the one for me! I do think though, that I would be able to do this job well and I know already that I love the kids. It doesn't seem to matter if they are high school, junior high, or elementary age. They are just fun to be around!

Right now I am training at an elementary school and I have had more compliments for these little ones. It is really good for and ego, if i wasn't focusing on trying not to mess things up! If I was the only one who had to deal with the mess up, that would be one thing, but I know when I leave, the manager of the school may well have to clean up any mess I might have left behind. Hence the stressing to try not to leave any kind of mess for her. I hate cleaning up someone else's mess!

I can also say that I am truly ready for it to start warming up! This year the cold has seemed to bit so much deeper than ever before and I am really not liking it. I am grateful though that there hasn't seemed to be as much snow! (Now that I say that watch it dump on us...) Sorry Dad, a moment of negative thought....

Life is good! I am learning new things that are making me stretch and grow. Hopefully in a direction that will be the best first for me and secondly for my family!

2010....

So this year in retrospect, there are a good many things that I am proud to have accomplished or in at least witnessed or maintained.

First and foremost, I have to say that I am so glad that my marriage and family have survived another year, and have grown stronger for it. Sometimes that sounds like such a simple thing to say, but sometimes it means much more than words could ever express.

Ford found a job, lost a job and found another one.

Chet is still employed and still making a little bit of money on the side with his tractor.

Megan got graduated from high school and is still working for Subway. Trying to decide which direction her life should take now. (I remember this period in life)

One of my biggest personal accomplishments of the year is becoming more active and getting physically fit. I didn't take the "proper" before and after pictures but in this last year I stressed and worked off 40 pounds! These pictures are the only ones I thought showed the change the best. A huge personal success. One I hope I never have to accomplish again! Maintaining is now the name of the game. I do have to say that it feels fantastic to be in better shape than I have been in years. It is also appropriate to say that it was nice to lose 40 pounds in the same year as I turned 40!

It will be most interesting to see what 2011 we bring our way. Here's hoping there is a lot of Family and outdoor time in the near and warmer future. Happy New Year!