Birthdays.

I love birthdays! I have always loved birthdays. When I was little, it meant that all of the extended family would come to our house, and we would gorge ourselves on much cake and ice cream. Then as kids do, run around on our sugar high, while the adults visited till it either got late enough for everyone to leave, or we just wore ourselves out. Fond memories, that I really do miss (sometimes).

Now that I am older, I still love birthdays, but for an entirely different reason. Don't get me wrong, I still love cake and Ice Cream! Love them both. However, with my semi heath conscious, older state of being, I TRY not to eat as much. That said, I have had dessert three times with in the last two days. Not doing so good on the healthy side of things right now. (DEEP SIGH) Oh well.

The reason I love birthdays now, isn't from the aspect of celebrating my own so much, as it is celebrating the people who surround me in my life. The fact that there are so many people who have such a profound impact in my life, on a daily or sometimes infrequent basis. They are the birthdays that I celebrate now. I celebrate their birthdays, because without that special day, whatever day it is, I wouldn't have that person in my life to give me guidance, support or love, for which I have come to almost depend on.

The reason this is something I wanted to blog about, is because for the first time I felt like this year in lot of ways, my birthday was celebrated like that. It was an incredible feeling for me to think that so many of my friends were celebrating MY birthday the way I have come to celebrate theirs.

Not only that, I just had a great birthday. I like that I am getting older, (my body would disagree). I hope that with that age, I might be able to acquire some wisdom as well. I have always told my family, I will never get "OLD". I don't intend to get "old". I intend to age, and hopefully, I will do it with some semblance of grace.

Thank you to all the Happy Birthday wishes from so many of you, you have made this year an extra special one for me. Also you have again reminded me of why I believe so fully in, celebrating my birthday, as well as the ones who have, in some way, big or small, touched my life. After all, life should be a celebration! One that we all share together. So next time someone tells you, "Happy Birthday", even if you're not happy about having a birthday. Remember that for them perhaps your birthday may mean more to them than you will ever know!

Oh, and for Emily, the cake picture is for you. Chet remembered what you said about you're birthday next year. So he thought he would apply it to me this year. He didn't think how long the word 'experience' was before he started, but oh well it made me laugh! See, even when you don't know, you inspire. :)

Having a hang up

Today I am having a little bit of a hang up. I have been trying to stay positive and look on the bright side and yada, yada and so forth and so on. Right now however I am having a not so up beat day. Even after having a venting secession I am still hung up!
In the eternal scheme of things it is a really trivial thing and I just need to let it go and look on a bright side, but I guess that's where I am coming into my hang up. Even on the bright side right now, it is seeming a little gloomy. (DEEP SIGH)
Oh well, this too shall pass right.
Chet told me I just need to get over it, things will be fine and again could be much worse than it is. For that he is correct, but still just telling me to get over it, just seems to minimize the distress this is really giving me.
Ok now I have sort of vented (again) I guess I need to be a bigger person and pick myself up by the boot straps and move on. (another DEEP SIGH)

Funerals

Ok. Now I know that this subject is not one that is fun to talk or think about, but I need to make a memo if you will of how things went today.
I knew that Ricks funeral was not going to be an easy one, and the only reason I went was to see his Mom & Dad. I will forever be glad that I did. It has been probably been Ohhhh, I'm gonna guess 10 years or so since we have seen Don & Judy Cleavenger.They have ALWAYS been so good to us and treated us like family. Today was no different. It did take Don a few minutes to recognize us. He hugged us both, but I held on for just a second longer and he hugged me tighter than I think I have ever been hugged, and he just flat broke down! Up until this point, I had fooled myself into thinking that I might get through this with just a few tears. HA! I was SO wrong! I promptly proceeded to cry with him. Then he grabbed Judy and the whole thing started again. They were so glad we had come! Judy asked if we had seen the program, and when we said no she got a little excited and said we "had to see it, cause it would make us laugh!" She was of course right. On the back of the program, was a picture of Rick taken right around the time that Chet and I got married. Sitting on his then truck, with his boots, levi jeans, bomber type jacket, his stunner shades and ball cap.( oh ya, we can't leave out the mullet ) WOW! Talk about a blast from the past! It was like I was there again, for just a mintue. The funeral over all was really good for what it was. It was different than any I have ever been to before. I have always been to LDS directed funerals, and there was none of that at this one. They didn't begin or end with a prayer, and when it was over it was like no one was sure it was over for just a few seconds. Very strange to me, and nothing I have ever experienced before.
Ricks Mom did say at one point that she didn't know what she was going to do now. I was, at that moment so grateful to know that there is more than this short life time on this Earth to look forward to.
I can also say that I hope I never have to go to a funeral like this one EVER again! Also I hope that Rick will now find the peace and direction that he never did find here in this life.

Things I have learned or (re-learned) in the past year.

( in absolutely no particular order! )
1. I love to shovel snow (for a little while)
2. I am grateful! (for SO many things)
3. Love continues to get better
4. Attitude affects EVERYTHING!
5. you can be mad at someone and still love them & them you.
6. Not everyone is blessed with common sense
7. I love the sound of Chet's voice
8. When I get really mad I clean or drive aimlessly
9. The things I do for others is really for me.
10. I am excited my kids are growing up
11. I am sad my kids are growing up
12. I love the gospel
13. I need to repent daily (if not more often)
14. Life is SO short
15.You can still care about people you rarely see.
16. I love not having a schedule when on vacation
17. If I pay attention I can learn something everyday
18. Giving a compliment is SO important! Even if it's to a complete stranger
19. I don't really feel old till I fall
20. Ice will ALWAYS win
21. My body is determined to get old, with or without my consent
22. I remember why I was never going to have kids!
23. I am SO glad I have kids!
24. Megan's room may never be clean
25 I love music
26. I still don't like being home alone
27. I am glad I don't like chocolate! ( I weigh enough thanks )
28. I miss having a SUPER close friend. It changes things.
29. Active LDS people don't always "practice" their religion
30. Non-LDS people are ALWAYS watching
31. You can stay good friends even over long distances
32. Long distances can drastically change a friendship
33. The older I get the less I care what other people think
34. I get more opinionated everyday
35. There is so much I want to see
36. California has more barns than one would think
37. Ford like to cook and experiment
38. Megan would starve if she had to cook to eat!
39. I really like "young adult" books
40. It's hard when scenery changes
41. My dog can make me laugh even when I am sad
42. My Mother-in-law has the biggest heart
43. My Father-in -law hates to be "the bad guy"
44. Making a list can make you feel better
45. My Parents are proud of me for whatever the reason :)
46. Anger makes you look old and mean ( I gotta work on that one )
47. NO ONE likes being told they've done something wrong (especially me)
48. My kids have some really good friends
49. Some of my kids friends are NOT so good
50. My kids can make wise choices even when surrounded by bad
51. Having a myspace has taught me a lot about Megan's friends and some of mine
52. Myspace and Facebook are good ways to shorten long distances
53. I like to work hard and keep busy
54. Not everyone likes to work hard, OR keep busy
55. I still think my hubby is cute! :)
56. I am still learning my religion
57. Good landscaping can compensate for a not so great house
58. The church is different outside of Utah
59. I'd like to try life outside of Utah
60. I like guns and shooting
61. People can meet and fall in love over the Internet ( who woulda thought)
62. The Lord has an individual plan for all of us
63. Megan is a very funny person
64. Megan & Ford are VERY stubborn people (wonder where that came from)
65. Megan & Ford are two of my favorite people!
66. Teen driving is a good thing (mostly)
67. I HATE going to the dentist!
68. Root-canal pain is WAY worse than it sounds!
69. I love Thanksgiving more every year
70. My brothers and sisters are such good friends
71. Nieces & Nephews are almost like grand kids (for those of us that are beyond little kids, but not at the grand kid stage yet)
72. I wish my family lived closer
73. I miss playing racquetball
74. I hate it when they split wards
75. I like Chet's "ice thing" more than I thought
76. I really like my job
77. Some people are easier to work with than others
78. I like my personal space. Sometimes more than others
79. My kids birthdays are harder on me than my own
80. Even old people can be dishonest
81. Auto Insurance companies are the most dishonest of all!
82. If someone is looking for a reason not to go to church, they will find it
83. Sometimes the right thing is the hardest!
84. I love sweets! (not candy though)
85. Angie Robinson makes the BEST cheese ball!
86. New Years is better spent with good company! (even if you don't feel very social at first)
87. Trunk or Treat is a real bummer for me
88. E-mail and TXTing are great things!
89. Cell phones are great things (how did we ever get along without them?)
90. I miss my hubby when he is away, even if he's just working late.
91. I love visiting my parents
92. My parents are still teaching me.
93. I have so much I still need to learn
94. Fall is my favorite time of the year.
95. Sometimes a weakness you thought you got over comes back (never let your guard down)
96. It is harder to stop swearing than almost anything
97. I don't like most forwards in TXT or E-mail
98. I love that my kids like to talk to me :)
99 A good friend can fix almost anything doing nothing
100. I love my life!
WOW that was harder than I thought it would be.

Sometimes in life, you hit a bump in the road you never saw coming! When the phone rings you are never prepared for it to be one of those speed bumps. I got a phone call tonight to let Chet and I know that, the guy who had been the best man at our wedding, chose this week to end his own life. Wow, what a bump! I never in a million year would have ever seen this one coming. I am sitting here typing, through blurry eyes, as I wonder what it is that makes a person think that dying is the answer to all of their problems. Chet keeps reminding me that we really don't know what was going on in his life. We lost contact with him some time ago. He and his family had different interests than we did, and we just drifted. I also feel guilty about that as well. I have put a lot of effort into hanging onto relationships that have or could have just faded with time. This is one I never really tried to hang onto too hard. There were so many thing that we didn't have in common. Now thinking about it, we haven't heard from them or seen them in probably two years or more. I keep thinking that this really shouldn't have hit me as hard as it has. He was such a fun guy! I cant imagine being his wife! How do you help your kids through something like that??! Their kids are right around Megan and Ford's age maybe a little younger. Old enough to reason out in their own mind that their Dad chose to die rather than stay here and work out whatever the problem was. I have only personally known one other person to have done this. I am really angry. I know I really don't have any right to be mad at him, and it won't do me any good to be angry, but I just don't get it.
I thank Heavenly Father that I have not felt the overwhelming need to end my life! I am grateful that there has always been more things to live for.
What do I say to his wife? Are there ANY words that will give her comfort? They didn't have the same beliefs as we do. Is there anything that I can say that will not offend or confuse? I have not had this many emotions running through my head so fast for such a long time, and I have to say I do not think it is a good thing! I am getting a headache.
Life is so fragile! It can end so suddenly. I am just shaking my head. I just don't even know what to think right now. Rick, even though we haven't talked in a long time, Know you will be missed! May heaven help me understand.