I never knew...

This is a completely reflective blog post...ok maybe not completely but still....

This last 2 weeks has been ubber hard on me as a Mother. I have had to relinquish my hold on my oldest. My daughter, my oldest, Megan, is now 19 and well on her way to flying the coop! She and a friend decided that they were going on their first real road trip. The only real problem I had with said road trip (aside from everything) is the fact that I would be gone when they left. Not being able to say good bye in person and give hugs of self reassurance and love. You know...the typical Mom first trip away from home stuff.

Couple that with the fact that I also had to register my youngest, (that's right, my BABY) for his last year of high school, all in the SAME week, was almost too much for this Mom!

I knew that having my kids get to the point that they didn't need me would be some what of a challenge, but I had NO idea how much it would really sting!

I am the type of Mom that has typically celebrated every new mile stone that our kids have some to and "over come" so to speak. I didn't cry why my oldest went into Kindergarten, and I didn't cry when I registered either of them for Junior high school OR high school! However, the year I registered my oldest for her senior and my youngest for his sophomore years of high school that is struck me that this was for real and they would only be home for a short time more!

It has only been more reinforced this last week and a half. Not to mention all of my friends that seem to be in the ever so present same boat!

You know the statement "Time flies when you are having fun!" ? Well, there has never been a truer statement than that in my house! I have been blessed to have a great assortment of "fun" over the years! Never a dull moment as they say.

Then to top it all off, this last week, a friend of Chet's has reminded me,that no matter how bad things might get, bad is SO much better than NOT at all!!! Her son has just recently overdosed after a very long/tormented life. She is now trying to pick up the pieces of a shattered life lost much too early.

I have spent way too much time thinking about all the things that my kids do that make me crazy, and that they have been taught differently. Instead of seeing all the things that they do that are truly amazing! Such as living in this modern world without sex, drugs ect...

No, my kids are not perfect! Far from it in fact, but as I told Chet yesterday, I will take the clothes laying on the floor and the dirty room as a reminder that they are there as opposed to the empty silence of knowing they will never laugh or make me/you laugh again!!! Also, so grateful for knowing that life continues beyond the here and the now! Thankful for a merciful Heavenly Father how knew how weak we could and would be!

Missing Spring...

I think until this year I have taken Spring time for granted. I do not ever remember the cold and wet hanging around as long and as persistently as it has this year.

I think it is taking every ounce of energy I have to fight off the blahs! I am tired way more than I should be. I am still exercising, but I have to fight with myself to even get that done!

I know that I am not the only one either! Just take a peak at some of the faces as they walk past you n the store! The worn down, "don't even think about talking to me or I will bite your head off" look that so many are wearing as the semi permanent facial expression these days tells a story all it's own!

I have mumbled and grumbled, a little more about it than I should, but now it is getting to be a real problem! How on earth do you fight the bad weather blahs? I need to know, or either me or one of my close family members might not survive this missing of the spring!

I haven't even been able to get the garden tilled and ready to plant. Not that that is a bad thing, I suppose, because if I had and had planted anything, it would have died due to the amount of water we have had. I know a few people who are in that situation right now. Not happy about it either.

I did go out on my mountain yesterday and take some pictures of the flowers that are finally starting to bloom. It looks so pretty out there right now! Now if only it would warm up enough so that I could be out there to get to enjoy it up close!

Ok I have mumbled and grumbled enough! It does seem to help a bit to gripe about it. Now I guess all I can do is wait! (oh, and post a couple of pics to maybe brighten things up a bit.)

Before...

You know, I had a thought cross my mind very recently. I have often been asked, or thought..(thanks Dad) What would you remember most or miss most if I died....

Today, as morbid as it seems or sounds, I had a strange thought cross my mind. I don't want to know what people will think of when I am gone, when they hear my name. I want to know what they think of NOW what they think of when they hear my name.

Honestly, When someone dies, it is a sad time and things can trigger memories, but if you think you might see that someone in the near future, you might not feel the same, and to my way of thinking, We should almost feel more stirred to act and let someone know now, TODAY that they crossed your mind!

Not one of us knows when our time to leave this Earth will come up. There is never a guarantee that any of us will ever see a tomorrow.

I for one, would like more than anything, to know that I crossed someones mind today. I have from time to time in my life had someone say..."Hey, I thought of you the other day....", but it is so rare and almost unheard of, that I wonder if anyone does anymore....

I am not pointing fingers at ANYONE... I know that life is busy for everyone. Still wouldn't it be nice to know in this life, before we pass on to another, that someone thought of us from time to time and cared that we were here, in the here and now!!!.

I think I am going to make this my own personal challenge to self. When someone crosses my mind in a day, to make a conscience effort to in the very least send a text or facebook message, if not make a phone call or leave a personal note.

I already try, to a degree to let people know they mean something to me. Ever to a stranger that I think has pretty eyes or a pretty face. I have always tried to pay a simple compliment, because it happens so rarely that when it does happen it might just be the something that makes that persons day. Even if they don't know that it was you that did it.

For example, one day I went to the Layton mall with Megan. I left the windows of the car down a crack to keep the car from being a sauna when we came out, never giving it a second thought.

When we came back out to the car, someone had slipped a homemade note penned in Crayon telling me I was special and they hoped I had a great day. To this day I have no idea who put the note in my car. I do know that it had a profound affect on my mood for the remainder of that day!. I kept the card and it hangs on a china hutch in my kitchen, and when I slow down enough to really focus on the note, it again make a smile cross my face. Such a simple act of kindness, and perhaps from a total stranger. That is my goal to self. Make sure to those around me that I see them today. In the here and now. Not waiting till all I can do is miss them and reflect on memories.

Thanks for letting me rant! This is after all my journal of sorts :)

An adventure in everyday....

Well, just a little update on the goings on in my little family. Chet is doing Air machines still and hoping the guy who has been helping him since his shoulder surgery won't need to be here for too much longer. Still he has been glad for the help.

I took some more manager training at the end of January and have been playing the part of the gypsy manager almost every week since I got done with the training. I went to one school for three weeks, up to another school for one week and then back to my own school for a week and then back to the other school for a day. This week I will be at yet another different elementary school. Although this week it is a short week so it will only be for 4 days.

I am hoping that with all this extra practice, it will make it easier next time I apply to actually get a managers position. There are a lot of people who want the jobs and not as many jobs as people. I have heard though, from some people that I have been doing a good job and the prospect is looking favorable :) So I will keep doing what I have been doing and keep working my best and hope it gets me where I am trying to get to.

Megan has finally found another job. She got hired on at Walmart. She is going to try to keep both Subway and Walmart, at least for the time being and get some things paid off. It will be good for her to both be working and busy, and to have some money! It sucks to be working just to pay the bills and never have any for anything else! Trust me I know this one all too well, hence the reason I have been trying to get a managers job :)

She is also dating. She went out a few times with a guy she met at a farewell, but he truly wasn't her type. She gave it a fair shake and then decided it wasn't going to go any further and stopped dating him. Then she met the guy she is seeing now. His name is Justin, and he is a very nice guy. He is very nice to Megan! That means a lot to me. Not only is he nice, he is not afraid to come in and have conversations with Chet and I. Another big score for him. I dates a guy once that was so afraid of my Dad that he wouldn't stay in the same room with him unless I was there. I decided then and there if you were too afraid of my parents to even talk to them, you weren't the guy for me. I didn't date him much longer, and then I met Chet :) and here we are. Anyway, that has always stuck in my mind, and I think a lot more of the guys that can come in and communicate with the parents rather than just sit and never say a word. Who's to say? This may go no where, but then again, it may go some place new.... Either way, I am excited for Megan as she is entering this new phase of her life.

Ford is still working at Arctic Circle and going to school. He just last week handed in his outline for his schedule for next year for his Senior year.... It seems like it has taken forever to get here, but at the same time, it has gone by so fast I am left with the feeling that my head has just spun around a few times and I am slightly dizzy. Ford says he is planning on serving a mission but right now our biggest goal is just to get him through school and get him graduated! He has some really good friends and has been able to stay out of trouble for the most part, for which I am truly grateful!

Life is good and with every new day it is presenting Us and especially Me new adventures!

If you ever wonder....

If you ever wonder how I came up with the name Parker's Panic for my blog name....Wonder no more.

Have you ever had one of those days where you just felt up tight about everything? Even if there was nothing particular that was wrong, but you just had this foreboding? Well I have a lot of days when I feel like that, and I have to fight down the panic that seems to be building to the bursting point. That would be where the nae took shape.

Often the source of my "panic" would be my ever so beautiful, ever so stubborn, ever so like me children. I know, that the parent "curse", you know the one, where you parents at one point or another, inadvertently says...."I hope you get one just like you"...That curse. Well even if my parents never really intended for it to work, it did. At least to an extent, it worked. At this point, I need to apologize once again for all the sleepless nights, heart ache and thoughtless concern and worry I put my parents through. Mom & Dad thanks for all the love and support you showed me even when you really should have smacked my upside the head. (I would have been brain damaged if you had smacked me that often ;) )

In my last post, I blogged about my Megan and the struggles of becoming an adult against her will.... Well, that story is still holding true, but there might be a bit of a light at the end of the growing up track... I will keep you posted on this as things progress.

This time, it is time to vent about my very teenage boy, whom is most of the time SO very good to his Mother, but has such a similar relationship with his Father, as his Father had with his Dad.

Today, Chet's relationship with his Dad, is a very good one! They, I can say, are pretty good friends. Chet can spend hours talking to, and with his Dad. It is in a way, a really fun thing to watch, as I came into the scene when things between Chet and his Dad were in the least 'strained".

Looking back now, the things I hear come out of Chet's mouth to Ford, and vis versa sound so much like some of the things I heard between Chet and his Dad a little bit when Chet and I first started dating (forever ago).

Ford, doesn't see the things he does that could use improvement, and think that all that he ever hears from his Dad is criticism.

I have heard this statement from both of my children now so frequently in the last month, I have made a conscience effort to find other ways to relay whatever message I might be trying to send. Not with much success I might add, but at least I am trying!

This week, was the first time in my life as a Mom, that I ever thought my son might take a swing at me. It was also the first time he challenged his Dad in a physical way. I am sure as things progress this might not be the last time, but as it went, I was excused from the room (roughly) by Chet and the door shut very forcefully, and listened for a little while as Chet did what he does best. He talked. He talked to and with Ford for a very long time. About everything! (Yes, shouting was involved, just not the whole time)About the kind of kid he had been, about the fighting he had done with his own Dad and looking back and seeing that his Dad was trying to help him become the man he is today, and how grateful he is now for the effort his Dad put into being Dad, and not a push over. I didn't hear all of the discussion as I had a bit of a tantrum for being thrown out of the room, and I went and took a shower instead.

Chet did tell me later though, that he felt like it had to be just between him and Ford, and he was probably right.

Things since have been better, not nearly as strained. I am sure there might come another day, when the line gets stretched to the breaking point, but when it does maybe we will all look back and remember the lesson we learned the last time.

I am truly grateful for my family, and hope we can work through all of life's lessons as they come. One at a time, and remember that none of us are perfect, but that we are all trying to get back to the place we were before, together! In one piece, and a family!

The example of good parents who did the best they knew how, and who like me, learned by trial and error, are all around me and I am truly blessed to be part of the families I am part of. On both mine and Chet's side! Thanks Parents, for the lessons both learned and taught! I love you all!

To be Mother

I am wondering when the growing pains of adolescents and parents combined are suppose to start winding down?

My Megan will be 19 in just a couple of very short weeks. She thinks she is ready to fly from the nest and be on her own... I ,coming from the same place, at one time, that she is in now, can see how very hard it might just be that she will land. Still, there is a part of me that wants her to fly! Go... test yourself and the things you have, or at least think you have learned. If you succeed I will be here, cheering you on! The loudest and most proud fan! If you should happen to trip, and stumble, perhaps even fall. Need a steading hand, or even for me to carry you until your burden is once again manageable on your own...this too will I do! That is my job! That is why I am a Mother.

Why then, knowing that this flight, so to speak, is inevitable,and so necessary, is it SO incredibly difficult to just let the natural flow of things just take their course? Why is it that I want to stop her and groom her wing before she can take flight, to lessen the risk of inability to with stand possible and likely turbulence?

I know, in my heart and in my mind, that the only way she will learn this lesson, that is about to take place, is to experience it first hand and very personal! Why then am I so reluctant to let her fly? Oh how I wish I could stop every hurt before it is or was experienced. Stop every friendship from coming to a sudden and abrupt end, as they sometimes do. Due to no ones fault really, just life, and the winding courses that it takes each of us on, on our very own and very personal journey.

I have never been the kind of Mom to say, "my kid would never do anything like that". I think that is B.S.! Anyones kid could be that kid!

Truth be told, in some ways, looking back at what some call the "parents curse", I have been somewhat surprised, that my kids haven't been the ones out there insuring, that I got phone calls in the middle of the night, informing me of some sort of trouble they might have been in.

The Lord knew my needs, and the needs of my children ( Still wondering what ever made him send them to MY care??). I have been blessed with amazing children. Children who don't even know their own worth or full capabilities yet. Nor do I to be quite honest!

Perhaps, that is why I want, so desperately, to keep the pain, that I know is the best teacher, from them. I often think in my head, "Isn't there some other way???" Then I am reminded gently, of the Savior, and his magnificent sacrifice for us. There was another way, but it was not God's way!

I have made, and continue to make SO many of my own mistakes, how then can I keep my beautiful children from being able to do the same, and from learning the lessons that they were sent here to learn, for themselves? I can't! I won't! No matter how hard this is for me, I know it will be even harder at some point for them. That is, when they will know, that I am there for them! I have always been there for them! I will be here from them, as long as God is willing.

This is my calling as a Mother. I will do my best to exemplify it always!

Megan and Ford....I love you more than you could know at this time! I will help you in all of the ways, I feel, will be in your and my best interest! I pray that the Lord will be your guide, and mine, and you will know, you are NEVER truly alone! Your Mother!

P.S. Mom, We may not always see eye to eye, but I too know you have always had My best interest at heart. I love you and thank you for the good examples you set for me.

Sorry the emotional side of me took over tonight..... Let us all press on.....

Made it...

Well, I made it through the first week of subbing for another manager. Was it fun? NO! Not in the slightest. Am I getting the hang of it? I certainly hope so!

Let me tell you this is one of the most stressful things I have ever undertaken! I am seriously wondering if it will be worth it in the long run.

I do know that I will probably tell them I don't want to sub for another manager again! Part of the thing that has been the hardest about going into the school that I am currently at, is that there was a woman in there for 4 weeks before I got there. She was just a manager in training like me, and let's just say that she was not the most organized person and she appeared to be the sort of person, that instead of saying "hey, I messed up", liked to pass the buck and blame it on the people who worked around her.

To let you know how the people (kids) at the school felt about her being gone... I had a group of kids approach me on the third day I was there, and ask me if she was going to be coming back to their school. When I told them no, that I would be there until the regular manager got back, they almost all shouted YAY!! Then one boy proceeded to tell me, that she was very mean and he thought that she had been sent there straight by "the Devil!" (he was a little black boy, can you hear the way he said this? Too cute)

Anyway, I don't know the woman personally, so I don't need to bash her. I will say that the day I met her, (so she could show me around the school before I got there to start work) she wasn't happy about not being able to stay there as the acting manager. She was politely rude, if there is such a thing?

Anyway, this week has been a very stressful week to say the least. There were several days when I was there much later than I was suppose to be there, and I donated at least 4 hours of time this week because I am not very good at figuring out the things that need to be done fast enough.

I am thinking that next week should be a better week, as what I got done this week was to cover most of the next up coming weeks.

WHEW! Are you as tired reading about this as I am from living it? I hope not....

It has given me a lot to think about, wondering if I am really willing to spend as much time at work as sometimes it is going to require of me to do. Not only that, It requires a LOT of sitting! I never really thought about how much I don't like to sit down! I am thinking about it now, because of how much time in one day I spent sitting at a desk doing computer work! I felt like Ford in the first grade, as I had to keep telling myself to sit on my pockets till I was finished. I am going to be doing a lot of pondering and praying about this over the next few weeks while I am there to determine if I think it is really what I want to do long term! Right now thinking about it, the only reason I am even thinking about it in the first place, is because it would be really nice to have the little bit of extra money that a manager gets paid. If, however,

they donate as much time as I did this week, then it is certainly not worth the money!

Hence the pondering and praying that I will be doing. I keep wondering if perhaps this is the reason I have, as of yet, not gotten one of the jobs I have applied for. Hummm???

At any rate it has been an interesting week if nothing else.

I look forward to a better week and hopefully smoother sailing for the remaining 2 or 3 weeks in which I will still be there. :)